Tonight I was looking at Maggie, and she was lying on my dirty clothes on the floor (Temporarily on the floor! Trust me when I say there is no room to leave anything on the floor for long in here). I noticed recently that whenever I put something of mine on the ground or on the floor, she will curl up on it and start sleeping. She doesn't get on my chair and sleep, just on my jeans or shirt or whatever. I looked at her tonight and realized it's probably because it smells like me, and she just wants to be near me. Then I thought that I wish I was that way with God. I wish that I honestly wanted to do whatever I could to be near him, even if it was laying on his dirty clothes.
I have a tendency to keep God at a distance because the times in my life when he has been close is when I've been hurt. I know those are the times that I need to trust him and keep him closer, but instead I push him away to a safe distance. When I've been close I've lost a loved one or had my heart broken. I don't like it. So I keep a comfortable cushion between the two of us. I let him come in for visits, but he has to put the cushion back when I'm ready...I know it's really me that puts the cushion up. I truly want to grow closer to him and not think I'm going to get hurt by actively seeking that relationship.
That's part of what my move to New York was supposed to be about...letting my relationship with God build as I trusted him to take care of me. And I did a really good job of trusting him when I first got here, and I still think I'm doing a pretty good job of trusting him about a lot of things, but I won't let him actually touch me. Maybe that's what part two of my adventure here is about...
2 comments:
I feel that way too!
Hey Mel - i loved this post. I love the honesty. I feel like honesty is the best way to experience God. You have to put up all of the pretenses and just be honest with Him.
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