16 Going On 17

Saturday was the 16th anniversary of Brent's death. Brent was my older brother for those of you who don't know, and he was killed in a car accident when he was 16. Typically this day comes and goes like any other day the last 10 years or so. It's not that I don't think about him on that day, but when I was younger, I used to at least get his picture out and think about him and play the song Sister by the Nixons (a little cheesy I know). I still think about him all the time, but I stopped making October 24 special for some reason. I thought last year it would be a big deal because it was a milestone anniversary - 15 years - but it came and went just the same. I knew the day was coming up, but I was not at all prepared for the emotion that hit me on Saturday. It started on Thursday night when I heard Donald Miller speak on his book tour. His new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, is about how our lives are our own stories with characters, conflicts, positive and negative turns. We decide what story our life is and how great or boring the story is. We are the protagonist in our story, and we determine what kind of character we are which also determines are own character. His lecture and the book really started me thinking about what story I'm telling with my life. Whose story am I affecting? What character am I playing? Saturday morning I was riding the subway when I realized what day it was. 16 years. It's been 16 years. Brent was 16 when he died, and I have now lived 16 years past his death. I have lived his entire lifetime since his death. What have I done with my story? Sure I moved to New York. Big deal. That was for me. What have I accomplished that hasn't originated from selfish motives? I've thought about several volunteer opportunities that I think I might want to get involved with, but when it comes down to it, I don't want the commitment. I'd like to have a non-committal volunteer option (I'm sure that does not surprise those of you who knew me in my wilder days). I didn't really want to write this blog entry because if I put this out here in the public eye for my friends to see then I'm going to have to act on it; otherwise, I'm just someone who talked about creating a better story for myself and didn't. I can't be that person.