We mostly shopped and ate the entire trip, but it was much needed. Being back in the city has been ok. Still some ups and downs and still some unexpected emotions. Wednesday night I went back to the church thing I volunteer at, which is what I was on my way to when I saw the accident. I took the same train and had to get off at the same stop. I didn't really think about it, but all of the sudden on the train I found myself counting down the stops. Then I realized I was crying. I tried really hard to stop. Then I got outside and just started crying even more. All I could think about was that's where the cop pointed to when he asked me where I was standing. This is where I was standing. That's where he was. Did they put more lights here?
It was overwhelming and most definitely unexpected. I guess that will continue to happen for a while. Watching someone die is not something I assume most people get over in a couple of weeks. Lately I just feel surrounded by bad news all the time. Is this what life is like as an adult all the time? When we're younger are we so self absorbed that we just don't notice all the bad stuff happening around us? I'm guessing it's not. I'm hoping it's not. I'm hoping that for all the months that seem like every day brings bad news, there are months where every day brings good news. That for every tragedy that seems to overtake my life there will be something equally or more joyful around the corner.
I'd like to say I'm hoping and praying for these things. Praying has been hard for me lately. So my prayer request is for you to pray for me to want to pray. I know things are better when I'm walking with God. Right now I don't feel like I'm walking with him, but more that I'm walking, and he's looking down on me.
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