Procrastination At Its Best

By blogging right now that probably means I'm procrastinating from studying for the GRE, but I'm going to call it practicing for my writing section. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I am completely prepared for the verbal portion, but I bombed my math practice section last night. My score was dismal. Today, I'm focusing mostly on Math because I did so well on my practice verbal test, but it's depleting my energy and motivation. In fact, I have tears in my eyes writing this.

Of course the tears made me question why I'm even doing this. I think the answer is to give me some direction in my life. Things are good. My job is good, I have great friends, and I have a wonderful Christian community. However, my life is stagnant. I'm not moving toward any real goal, which is actually ok with me. I wonder though if down the road, I will wish that I had started moving toward something instead of being satisfied with the status quo.

Picking a direction for my life is actually very hard for me. I spent so much of my life with it out of my control. After age 10, I was either adjusting to my new family of four or readjusting to my mom being back in the hospital or being told my mom was going to die. There was always something. After my mom died, I was still in school so I felt like my life would just fall into place. Five years after graduation, my life has been fairly steady. No traumatic life changes. I made the decision to move to New York, but I feel like I played Russian roulette with that one. I applied to grad school and prayed that if I was supposed to move to New York, then I would get accepted to grad school. I asked God to not even let me get in if I wasn't supposed to move here. I wanted a clear-cut sign. Two years after that I don't know what to do.

I take the GRE tomorrow. If my scores are high enough and I get into grad school at Columbia, I'll attend. The next logical step would be to get back into PR. Is that what I want? I have no idea.